Tuesday, 18 December 2012

June and July

2nd June

I nearly fell out with Spyder today.  We've had our differences sometimes but I've never had a proper fight with him before.  It was so stupid and by that I mean I was so stupid! 

I went round to see him after work.  I'd not seen him since Simon called about the wedding.  Spyder had been busy working at the university, taking photographs for a music festival they were having.  Anyway, we were all cuddled up in his bedroom and I mentioned Simon's wedding.  Spyder had been just as shocked as I was when Simon told him.  He wondered if Angel was pregnant too, I was glad I wasn't the only one who thought that!  Then Spyder said Simon must be out of his mind to get married so young.  I said I thought it was perfectly romantic but Spyder said he couldn't see the point.  I asked him what he meant by that and he said he didn't know what all the fuss was about.

I was a bit shocked my his attitude.  He went on to say that most of the married people he knew had got divorced.  His parents never married and they were the only ones still together.  I said not every marriage ends in divorce, my parents were still happily married.  He just said they were in the minority.  I never knew he was so against marriage!

It was stupid of me to ask but I had to know.  I asked him if he thought he'd ever get married and he just said no, probably not.  I know it was stupid but I kind of took that personally.  We've only been together for a few months but I kind of got the feeling that Spyder was "THE ONE".  Me and him fitted so well together and I could see us doing the whole wedding, kids, growing old together thing, and now here he was telling me he never wanted to get married!

I was even more stupid when I pushed him further and asked him would he never get married even if the right girl came along?  He didn't see the tears in my eyes when he answered.  He said no, you don't have to get married to be with someone.  As soon as he said that I pushed him away, then he realised how upset I was. 
He tried to say sorry but I was too upset to listen to him.  I grabbed my bag and stormed out the house and down the street.  Spyder came running after me.  He grabbed my hand and jumped in front of me saying he didn't mean it like that.  I wiped my eyes and saw how distraught he was.  He begged me to go back inside so he could explain.  His pretty brown eyes were so sad.  I am such a sucker for him.  I held out my hand and we walked back to the house. 

We talked for ages.  Spyder explained how much he loved me, how he enjoyed sharing his life with me right now and how he didn't want to spoil what we had.  He'd seen too many people rush into marriage only to break up after a few years.  He'd watched those people become bitter and jaded, and he never wanted to get like that.  He explained how it's love that keeps people together and his parents did just fine without a ring and a piece of paper.  He said those things don't really matter.
I asked if he thought he'd ever change his mind.  He said he didn't know.  Maybe when he's older or has kids or something he might want to.  I sighed then he said maybe someone like me could manage to change his mind.  I laughed and went bright red.  Spyder brushed my hair aside and kissed me.  He said I'd never know how much he loved me.  I said perhaps he could show me and he rose to the challenge - quite literally!  Hehehe!

As we laid in bed, naked and all cuddled up I realised how stupid I'd been.  What me and Spyder had was good, really good.  He was right, we didn't need a piece of paper and a ring to prove how much we loved each other.  We did that by being with each other, by holding hands, by sharing cuddles and by having the most amazing sex ever! :D

30th June

Me and Spyder took the train up to Scotland today.  Simon phoned me last night to make sure I'd got the schedule he'd emailed me.  He sounded so nervous.  He'd planned every little detail and left nothing to chance.  I told him it would all be fine, he still sounded a bit shaky though.

Spyder and I picked up our train tickets at the station.  Simon had been very insistent on which train to catch.  Him and Angel would be going up early and he didn't want us on the same train, which I thought was a bit odd, but then Simon could be like that sometimes.

The train journey was a bit boring and the tea from the buffet car was rank.  I couldn't wait until we got to Gretna Green.  Simon had booked us into a guest house in town.  It was clean and modern with a king sized bed and en suite bathroom with corner bath.  I explored the room while Spyder unpacked his suit, hanging it up so the creases would fall out.  I'd never seen him in a suit before and I couldn't wait for tomorrow.

Simon had booked us a table at a restaurant down the road.  He said we could have whatever we wanted, he'd pick up the bill, so we made the most of it!  Starters, mains and pudding, all washed down with a bottle of wine and Irish coffee.  I was so full I could barely move!  We took a slow walk back to the guesthouse.  I wondered how Angel and Simon were feeling.  It was going to be such a big day for them tomorrow.  I hope the weather stays fine.  I'd better get to bed now.  Spyder is already snoring next to me but I'm too excited to sleep!

1st July


I still can't believe it!  They actually got married, legally and everything!  It was a wonderful day.  Spyder woke up early and horny!  I love waking up with him and I can't say no when he cuddles up to me like that.  He is way too good at turning me on!  We made love and then I had a bath and we went down to the dining room for a slap up breakfast.  I had a huge appetite, travelling always makes me hungry!

Back in the room I did my hair and makeup while Spyder got dressed in his suit and tie and checked his camera equipment.  Simon phoned up to make sure we were ready and everything.  I had butterflies in my stomach, I dreaded to think how Angel was feeling!

The sun was out and Spyder and I walked up to the hotel where Angel and Simon were staying.  I held Spyder's hand tight.  He didn't look half bad in a suit.  He'd tamed his dreads, putting them in a neat braid and he'd put on a white shirt and purple tie.  He didn't scrub up bad at all.  I'd put on my 50's style dress, it was black with an oversized red rose print and had a cute little underskirt that make it kick out. 

We met Simon outside the hotel.  He'd just been to pick up Angel's bouquet, long stem roses tied with a white ribbon.  They were beautiful!  Simon looked pretty hot in his suit.  He always dressed well but I'd never seen him looking so smart before.

Me and Spyder waited in the lobby while Simon went up to fetch Angel.  She was so surprised to see us when she came down the stairs.  She asked what we were going there.  Spyder said we were going to be witnesses for them and I handed her the bouquet.  She looked amazing in a knee length black silk dress.  She'd dyed her hair purple again, which made me smile.  It really suited her.

Angel's cheeks were flushed and she seemed a little anxious but excited too.  Then she told us that Simon only asked her to marry him last night!  I thought she already knew about it all!  I told her I would have died if someone had done that to me!  Angel blushed again and glanced up at Simon.  It didn't take a genius to tell that they were so in love.

I held Spyder's hand as we walked up to the Old  Blacksmiths Shop.  The sun was shining, it was just so perfect!  I almost wished it was me getting married, but I didn't say anything, not after the trouble I caused the last time I mentioned marriage.

I got a bit tearful as Simon and Angel said their vows.  Spyder had to lend me his hanky because I'd forgotten to bring any tissues with me.  He shook his head when he noticed I'd got mascara on it, I mouthed sorry at him and he put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder.  He knows I can be a right soppy cow sometimes.

The service was over so quickly.  Simon and Angel exchanged rings, we all signed the register and we stepped out into the sunshine with Mr. and Mrs. Simon Wetherall.  Angel looked radiant!  We went back to the hotel gardens and Spyder took a load of photographs.  He even set up the timer so we had a picture of all four of us together. 

After the photographs we went into the hotel restaurant for lunch.  The food was fantastic and Simon ordered champagne and everything.  It seemed a bit weird, all four of us dressed up to the nines in a posh hotel.  We were so different from the other people in the restaurant but we didn't care.  It was brilliant!  The champagne went right to my head and I could see Simon and Angel getting all soppy so I  said to Spyder we'd better let the newlyweds consummate their union.

We went back to the guest house and I crashed on the bed.  I said to Spyder didn't he think that was so romantic?  He smiled and told me not to go getting any ideas!  Then he laughed and crashed on the bed next to me.  I giggled and asked if he realised how sexy he looked in his suit.  He loosened his tie and gave me that really cheeky smile he gives me when he wants to have sex, so we spent the rest of the afternoon doing some consummating of our own.

Spyder is in the bath right now and I'm supposed to be packing.  We're going out for dinner again tonight and we have to catch the first train home tomorrow.  I want to get back before Kelly shuts the shop.  I'd left her in charge again.  I think she wants me to give her a Saturday job there.  I guess it would be nice to have Saturdays off, and Ben did the same with me.  I'll have to think about it...

8th July

I am in shock.  Complete and utter shock.

I came down to breakfast this morning and mum was reading the local paper when she went very pale.  I asked her what was up and she showed me the page she'd been reading.  The headline said 'TWO KILLED IN CRASH' and there was a picture of a car wrapped around a lamp post on the bypass.  It looked really nasty.  I passed the paper back to my mum but she shook her head and told me to read the whole story.  I skim read the details, white Peugeot 106, early hours of Tuesday morning, driver and passenger pronounced dead at the scene, Josh Wilkins aged 19 and Adam Taylor aged 20.  Adam, my ex boyfriend, was dead.

I felt sick.  I put the paper down, I ran up to my bedroom and burst into floods of tears.  Mum followed me up and she tapped on the door.  She'd brought me a cup of tea, that was the answer to all life's problems according to her.  I was just like OH MY GOD!  I couldn't believe it!  Adam was dead!

Mum put her arm around me and tried to calm me down.  She told me the article said they'd been drinking at a party, Josh had been driving and no other cars were involved.  I was just numb.  It only made it worse when I realised if I hadn't have dumped him I probably would have been in that car with them!  Mum held me as I just cried and cried and cried. 

I don't know why I got so upset.  Adam was a bastard, a complete waste of space.  He treated me badly, he physically hurt me and racially abused Spyder, but dead at 20?  No-one deserved that.  I suppose he had it coming to him though.  After he'd lost his job at The Ferret I'd seen him around town a few times and he was always completely shitfaced. 

For a moment I felt guilty for dumping him.  He'd got so much worse after we broke up but I told myself that I wasn't to blame.  Adam was a grown man and he was fully capable of making his own decisions, like getting into a car with Josh when he was pissed.

I drank my tea but I was still shaking so mum went to her sanctuary and got some of her homeopathy remedies for me.  By the time I'd calmed down it was gone 9 o'clock.  I was late opening up the shop but I didn't feel up to working today.  Mum said I should give myself time to grieve and basically gave me permission to have the day off.

I still couldn't believe that Adam was dead.  I took a long hot shower and made myself another cup of tea but I didn't know what do to with myself.  Then I thought about Billy.  He'd just lost his two housemates and he must be devastated so I decided to go around and see him.  He was a bit surprised to see me but he was glad I came.  He said Adam's parents were coming over at the weekend to clear his room so if there was anything of mine still in there I'd better take it now while I had the chance.

I hadn't been in Adams room for months but nothing had changed, well, maybe it had got a bit worse.  It smelled worse than I remembered.  The ashtray was overflowing, there were empty beer cans and JD bottles on the floor and I didn't dare open the pizza box on the chest of drawers.  I felt sorry for Adam's parents to have to come and clear this lot out.

I remembered what Billy had said and I looked to see if I'd left anything behind.  I found a pair of my earrings in a drawer, a pair of big silver hoops.  I thought I'd lost them ages ago but I must have taken them one out time when I fucked Adam.  The bed was unmade, the sheets were stained and there was a pile of dirty clothes on the floor.  I kicked at it with my shoe, half expecting something to come running out, but nothing did.  I found a purple thong, but it wasn't mine.  Adam must have had another girlfriend after me, or at least pulled someone willing to fuck him. 

I opened the wardrobe and was a bit shocked to see four pictures of me and him stuck to the inside of the door.  I got a bit choked up that he'd kept them.  I know Adam had his faults but he had his good moments too.  One of the pictures was taken at The Ferret, the day I dyed my hair bright red.  He looked so happy.  I took the picture down and looked at it.  I had such mixed emotions.  I had loved him, I'd hated him, I'd pitied him, but now I was sad he was gone because he never had the chance to put things right.

I put the photo in my bag.  I'm not sure why, I just did.  I went back downstairs and gave Billy a hug.  I asked if he was going to be all right on his own.  He said the landlord was on about selling the house so he was going to stay with some friends.  He asked if I'd be going to the funeral.  He said it was on Wednesday at the Crematorium.  I said I'd think about it.

I went home and sat in my room, just thinking about Adam and stuff.  I was cross at how stupid he'd been but I was glad I dumped him.  Spyder phoned me.  He had popped down to the shop but found it closed and he wanted to know if I was all right.  I asked him to come over.  I didn't say why, I didn't want to talk about it on the phone.  He knew there was something wrong the minute he saw my makeup was smudged.  I'm a slave to my eyeliner and mascara.  I told him Adam was dead and I burst into tears again.

Spyder hugged me until I stopped crying.  He hated seeing me upset but he struggled to understand why I was crying over Adam.  I didn't exactly understand it myself.  He'd been awful to me and so vicious to Spyder the night be got sacked from The Ferret and I hated him for that.  It was all so confusing.  The only way I could explain was by showing Spyder the photograph.  I showed him how happy Adam looked and I told him he could be nice sometimes, but Spyder never saw that side of him.  They didn't exactly get off on the right foot and Spyder said this world is better off without him.

I know he didn't mean it in a nasty way, but I lost my temper at him.  I ranted and screamed at him, saying how he didn't know Adam like I did and how could he say something like that about another human being.  Spyder said he was a monster and I screamed, 'I know, he wanted me to kill my baby!'  Spyder just stared at me with his mouth open.  I hadn't told him about that.

I told Spyder to sit down and I told him everything about me and Adam, how we hardly ever used contraception, how Simon bought me the morning after pill after the first time I fucked him and how one month I was really late and thought I might be pregnant, but I wasn't.  I told him how Adam said he wanted me to get rid of it if I was pregnant.  It didn't help raise Spyder's opinion of him.  He said that Adam was an idiot for letting that happen.  I asked Spyder if that made him an idiot too.  He gave me the weirdest look.  I explained how I nearly got pregnant because the condom broke and I reminded him that that had happened to us too.  Spyder had to concede that accidents do happen sometimes.

We stopped shouting at each other and Spyder held me tight.  He said he was glad I was on the pill now so we couldn't have an accident like that again.  Then he must have felt a bit paranoid he asked me if I remembered to take it every day.  I said of course I did, I even set a reminder on my phone.  He was relieved at that!

Spyder asked me if I would have had an abortion if Adam had have got me pregnant.  I had to be honest with him and say yes, I probably would have.  I was only 18, I had the shop to run and Adam wasn't exactly a good role model for a kid to have.  Then Spyder asked me what would I have done if he had got me pregnant.  Without even thinking I said, 'Oh, I would have kept your baby.'  Spyder seemed a little surprised.  He asked why, and I told him, 'You're not Adam'.  Spyder gave me a funny sort of smile.  He seemed a little confused but I think he took it as a compliment and he told me not to get any ideas!  LOL!  The truth is, I'd love to have Spyder's baby, but not right now.  I'm enjoying my life as it is, working at the shop, going to parties and gigs.  I don't want a baby, not just yet.

I sort of changed the subject and said I forgot to ask Angel if she was pregnant, what with her and Simon getting married so quickly.  Spyder said no, she definitely wasn't.  I asked how he knew and he said it was obvious, she had 3 glasses of champagne after the wedding.  There was no way Simon would have let her drink that much if she was expecting.  Spyder was so clever noticing things like that.  I guess it's his eye for detail that makes him such a good photographer.

We sat and talked for a bit, but at tea time he had to go.  He was working again tonight so I kissed him goodbye and he said he'd call me tomorrow.

I didn't feel like eating much at tea.  Mum asked me how I was feeling now.  I told her I'd been round to see Billy and he said the funeral was on Wednesday but I'd decided not to go.  I didn't want to lose another day's business at the shop and I'd already said goodbye to Adam when I dumped him.  Mum seemed to understand.  She said if I ever needed to talk, she was there for me.  I gave her a big hug. 

I've been sat looking at the photograph of me and Adam for the past hour, but I haven't cried anymore.  That was all in the past, Adam was never going to change and I was better off without him.  I'm going to put the photo in my treasure box.  I can't change my past but I'm very glad I made the break and met Spyder, I love him so much! <3

RIP Adam.

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