Tuesday, 27 November 2012


1st January

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  The party last night was AWESOME!  The band ROCKED!  They weren't as good as Unknown Pleasures, but they played a pretty good set of punk covers.  Old music is just the BEST!  I can't stand all the hip hop, R&B and pop stuff.  I guess it's 'cos I grew up listening to all the great alternative bands of the 80's and 90's that my parents were into.  Justin Bieber and Katy Perry don't even come close to Nirvana and Joy Division!

After the pub shut I had to hang around and wait for Adam to clear up.  The landlord was being all arsey and made me wait outside.  It was fucking freezing but eventually Adam turned up.  He put his arm around me on the way home, which was dead sweet.

The party was crazy.  Everyone was stoned by the time we got there.  Adam offered me the spliff but I said no.  I'd tried it before and it just made me feel sick.  Matt got the munchies real bad.  The only thing he could find to eat was an out of date yogurt that was festering in the back of the fridge.  I told him he'd be mad to eat it but that got everyone calling him chicken, so he ate it anyway.  He said it tasted all right but it must have been off because he spent all night in the bathroom throwing up.

By 4am Adam said he wanted to go listen to some records.  I knew what that meant!  In his room he put on an LP by Fields of the Nephilim.  The music was dark and brooding, but I liked it.  Adam got that look in his eye, I knew what was coming next.  He took things slowly for him but he still managed to get me completely naked by the end of the first song.  Adam knows how to get what he wants!  As we made out I rolled over on top of him and reached across to my handbag to get a condom.  Adam complained about it but I asked him if he wanted to be a daddy.  The look on his face made it obvious that he didn't!  I put the condom on for him and he pinned me down and fucked me so hard, starting the new year as he meant to go on.

It was nice waking up with him in the morning.  I cuddled right up to him.  It was so cold in his room, the heating never worked properly and his duvet was really thin.  Being so close to him sent his libido into overdrive though.  He started groping me and I couldn't say no.  He cupped my breasts with his hands, pinching my nipples and making me squeal.  One minute he's stroking between my legs, the next he's fucking me.  It all happened too quick!  I told him to stop, I had condoms but he came before I had chance to grab my bag.

I was so cross at him!  I asked if he wanted me to get pregnant.  He said no, but I could always have an abortion if I did.  I totally lost it!  I told him there was no way I could do that - kill an innocent baby because he was too lazy to use a condom.  I got dressed and marched out, slamming the door behind me.  I got to the corner of the street before I burst into tears.  How could he be so heartless?  I guessed it just didn't matter to him.

I didn't want to go home looking a mess so I went round Kelly's house first.  I told her all about it and she said Adam was a bastard and I should dump him.  I knew she was right, it's just he has this way of looking at me and I crumble.

Adam came around to see me that afternoon with a bunch of flowers to say sorry.  I asked if he'd stolen them from the garage forecourt, he said yeah but it's the thought that counts.  I'm know I'm an idiot but I forgave him.  When he smiles at me I just go all gooey.  I can't help it!

I sneaked him up to my room and we just cuddled and talked.  I told him it was my 18th birthday soon and he asked what I'd like as a present.  He said I could have anything I liked and I think I surprised him when I  said I wanted a tattoo. He had 2 red roses intertwined as part of a full sleeve design on his right arm.  I said I wanted 2 roses just like that and he promised to take me to the tattoo shop on my birthday.  That made me so happy.  I'm so excited about it, I can't wait to have it done!

6th January

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!  18 years old today.  I can officially  but a drink at the pub!  Not like I haven't done that before... hehehe!

Mum went all soppy this morning, going on about how her baby girl was all grown up.  She cried and everything so I have her a hug and told her I'd always be her baby girl.  She might be a mad old hippy but I love her to bits.  Thankfully it was an INSET day at school so I didn't have to go in.  How cool is that?  I think I would have bunked off anyway!  LOL!

After breakfast I went round to see Adam.  He was still in bed, the lazy bastard!  I think he'd forgotten it was my birthday until I reminded him.  He got dressed and I dragged him down to the tattoo shop where his friend Mikey works.

Mikey is an awesome artist.  I spent ages looking through his designs but I'd already made my mind up what I wanted.  2 red roses, the same as Adam.  Mikey made a stencil, he cleaned me up and got everything ready.   I was all excited and nervous and scared at the same time.  Then Mikey started.  It was too bad at first but then it just got worse and worse until I screamed.  IT FUCKING HURT!  Mikey told me to sit still and be quiet if I wanted him to do a good job.  Adam just sat there laughing at me.  Heartless bastard! 

It took nearly 2 hours to finish it.  2 bloody hours of pain!  I had to ask Mikey to stop at one point because I thought I was going to pass out, but I was brave and it was worth it.  Adam said it was beautiful and he took me down the pub to celebrate.

I loved my tattoo but I decided not to tell my parents about it right away.  That didn't exactly go to plan though.  When I went home that afternoon mum was still being all soppy.  She'd baked me a cake for my party tonight.  I gave her a hug to say thank you and she squeezed my arm, right over my new tattoo!  I screamed and she jumped a mile.  She asked what was wrong, she wanted to know if I'd hurt myself.  I had to show her.  I could tell she wasn't very happy but she was really calm and said it's my life and my body.  She put the kettle on and took me into her sanctuary (aka the spare bedroom) and did her healing on me.  It actually felt a bit better.  Mum is great like that.

I had some school friends over that night for pizza and DVDs.  They were pretty shocked I'd had a tattoo done but they all loved it.  Adam couldn't come to my party, he had to work but she said he take me to the Unknown Pleasures gig at the weekend to make up for it.  He can be so sweet sometimes.  Anyway, I'd best get to bed now, I've got school tomorrow :(

10th January

World War III broke out in our house last night.  Ben, my big brother, had an almighty fight with my dad.  Ben came home last night, pissed as a newt declaring he was going travelling to South America and he was leaving next week!  My dad went ape but Ben was too drunk to make any sense.

The argument carried on this morning.  Dad had put up the money so Ben could open the shop after he dropped out of uni.  Ben never stuck at anything for long and dad said there was no way he was going to walk out on the shop after all he'd invested in it.  Ben didn't have answer for that, but I did.

I don't know where it came from but I found myself saying I'd run the shop while Ben was away.  Dad said I couldn't, I was still at school and I knew nothing about running a shop.  Ben came to my rescue.  He told dad how I managed on my own every Saturday and how I helped he put in the orders for the clothes and everything.  I explained how much I hated school, I had no plans to go to uni and I loved working at the shop.

I don't know how me and Ben managed it but we actually convinced dad it was a good idea and he said YES!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!  He really said YES!!!  I was going to leave school and run Ben's shop!  :D 

Ben took me out for a drink at The Ferret to celebrate.  Adam was really happy about it.  I'm going up to school with mum tomorrow to tell the head I'm leaving.  I'll be kind of sad to say goodbye to my school friends, but it will be so awesome running my own shop.  Yeah Ben, it's my shop now!  Hahahaha!  I can't wait!!!

11th January

I went to see the head teacher with my mum today and I have now officially left school!  It is such a relief!  I did get a bit tearful when I said goodbye to everyone, but they all promised to come visit me at the shop.  Kelly asked if she'd get a best friend discount!  Cheeky mare!

I had a long talk with mum and Ben when we got home.  I already knew pretty much everything about running the shop.  Mum said she'd help me out, she already did the accounts for Ben anyway.  We agreed on a wage for me and I arranged to give mum half of it for my bed and board.  It's tougher than I thought being a grown up!  The only probably I could see was how I was going to get to the wholesalers to pick up new stock.  I nearly died when Ben said I could have his car while he was away.  My own car!!!  It's only a 1.4 Corsa, it's ancient, totally knackered and stinks like the inside of an old trainer but it's a car - my car :)

With everything sorted I went over to see Adam to celebrate.  I thought I'd surprise him, although I shouldn't have been surprised to find him drunk and playing the Xbox with Josh.  He didn't see that happy to see me but he cheered up when I told him about my wages and the car.  He joked about me getting the drinks in for a change, at least I think he was joking.

Josh went out to the pub so Adam took me upstairs for a bit.  He'd calmed down after our last fight.  He was really sweet, just talking and cuddling.  We took thinks really slow and he even had some condoms.  I nearly asked 'Who are you and what have you done with Adam?' but I thought better of it.

It was so good, we actually made love rather than just fucking.  He even made me come!  I wanted to stay all night with him but I said I'd best get home.  I'm supposed to be doing a full stock take with Ben in the morning and I needed to get some sleep.  Night night!

18th January

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!  that's what I thought when I got up this morning.  Corny, huh?  But it was my first day at the shop on my own and it felt like it was something big, a new beginning. 

Mum was up at silly o'clock to take Ben to the airport.  I stayed in bed though.  I'd said goodbye to him last night.  He told me not to bankrupt the shop while he was away, like I'd do that!  He knows I take more money on a Saturday than he does all week because I'm good at selling stuff.

Anyway for my first day it was pretty much a success.  Trade was slow, but Ben said it always is in the week.  I sold a few things, tidied the place up a bit and cleaned the kitchenette and the loo.  Jesus, they were gross!  I don't think Ben has cleaned them, EVER!

Adam came in to see me.  He bought a packet of Rizlas - last of the big spenders!  Hahaha!  I restocked the shelf of hair dye and had a genius idea.  I always wanted to dye my hair bright red but I couldn't when I was at school.  It was against the rules, punishable by suspension so I never dared challenge it.  Now I was my own boss I could have my hair any colour I wanted!

Before I locked up the shop I took a box of bleach and a tub of poppy red hair dye from the store room.  I put an IOU in the till as a reminder to take it off my wages.  I would have just nicked them but I was trying to be grown up and everything so I thought it was the right thing to do.

Now I'm sitting in my bedroom wondering if it's such a great idea.  I texted Kelly and she said go for it!  She said she'd do it if she wasn't at school.  Oh, what the heck!  What's the worst that can happen?  If I hate it I can always dye it brown again.  It's not like I'll be stuck with it forever like a tattoo, but I love my tattoo...

I think I'll toss a coin.  Heads it goes red, tails I stay boring brown... Hehehehe!

19th January

I did it!!!  I dyed my hair bright red and it looks fabulous!!!  I love it so much I wish I'd done it sooner, it's so good!  It would have been worth getting suspended for :)

My parents did a double take when I came down to breakfast this morning.  I was a bit worried about what they'd say but they both loved it, especially my dad.  He said he was glad to see me expressing myself and I left the house feeling so confident.  I was so cheerful at work, the customers noticed too.  I sold three times as much stuff as usual.

I knew Adam would be at work tonight so I thought I'd surprise him.  I put my oversized shades on and walked up to the bar.  Adam was watching football on the TV, he barely looked at me when he asked what I wanted.  I told him I'd have a rum and coke and a quickie in the store room.  He totally did a double take!  It was so fucking funny! 

I took my shades off and smiled sweetly.  Adam laughed so hard, but later that evening I got what I asked for!  Adam said he loved my new red hair so I think I might keep it this colour, at least for a while.

31st January

Life has been a bit crazy since I took over the shop.  I almost wish I was back at school.  Nah,  not really!  LOL!  I am loving the shop, talking to the customers, choosing stuff to order at the wholesalers, not having anyone to answer to, apart from my mum because she does the accounts, but even she said I'm doing a good job.  The shop is actually making a profit which is better than Ben was doing!  Haha!  Little sis is doing better than you Benji!

Things were pretty good until this morning when I was putting some dates in my diary and I realised my period was a week late.  I had a bit of a meltdown about it.  I went around to see Adam before work in floods of tears.  He was still in bed and not at all happy to see me.  I told him I was late and he said, 'Is that all?'  I was so mad at him, I must have woken everyone in the house up screaming at him.  I called him every name under the sun and it struck home when I said, 'What are we going to do if I'm pregnant?' 

He went white, like he was going to pass out or something.  He said I couldn't be pregnant, I'd bullied him into using condoms, then he cursed under his breath.  He couldn't look me in the eye.  I shouted at him again and he admitted that a couple of weeks ago the condom sort of went funny. 

I was so mad at him, I totally laid into him, hitting him with both fists and screaming blue murder at him.  He was stronger than me though, he grabbed hold of me so hard it hurt.  He pushed his face into mine and said, 'Find out, Lora, and if you are knocked up, get rid of it!"

He pushed me away so hard I fell over and banged my head on the table.  Adam just gave me the dead eye and went back to his room, slamming the door behind him.  I was in pieces.  Billy came down and made me a cup of tea, he was sweet like that.  I eventually stopped crying and headed off to work. 

I tried not to worry about it too much but I couldn't help it.  What if I was pregnant?  It would ruin everything!  I promised Ben I'd look after the shop.  I couldn't do that with a baby.  Then I thought about Adam.  He made it perfectly clear how he felt.  I was so confused.  He said he loved me, but he could be so cruel to me.  Would I want to have a baby with a man like that?  No fucking way!

I texted Kelly and asked her to come over to the shop after school.  I told her everything and she was so shocked.  She told me I had to find out and I knew she was right.  She looked after the shop while I went down the street to the pound shop.  Kelly said they had some pregnancy tests in there last week.  I didn't ask how she knew, I just grabbed my coat and purse and legged it round there.

Ten minutes later I was back.  I bought 3 packs, just in case.  I read the instructions, pee in a cup, dip the test strip in for 10 seconds and wait 2 minutes.  I couldn't find a paper cup so I used Ben's favourite mug.  My hands were shaking so much I nearly dropped the test strip.  That had to be the longest 2 minutes of my life!  I couldn't help but burst into tears when I read the result.  It was NEGATIVE!  I wasn't pregnant!

Kelly thought the worst when she saw I'd been crying.  She was so happy when I told her I wasn't pregnant.  She gave me a big hug.  The whole thing made me realise a few things.   I'd been lucky not to get pregnant sleeping with Adam without using anything.  It really made me think.  I asked myself did I really want to be with him?  He was drunk most of the time, he had a dead end job and he treated me like shit.  If I had have been pregnant, what kind of father would he have been?  It didn't bear thinking about!  That really brought it home and I knew what I had to do.

I got my phone and texted Adam.  I know it was pretty cowardly but I just said, 'I'm not pregnant.  It's over.  I never want to see you again.'  Thirty seconds later my phone started ringing.  It was Adam.  I rejected the call.  I felt so good about myself.  I didn't need him fucking me about, I was better off without him. 

About twenty minutes later Adam was standing in the shop.  He was drunk, angry and a bit upset.  He was glad I wasn't pregnant, he tried to apologise for how he treated me this morning but I didn't fall for it.  Now I was seeing him for what he really was.  He begged me to take him back, he even cried, but I didn't crumble.

He asked me why, I just said I didn't want to be with him anymore.  I stayed calm, I didn't cry.  Even when he turned nasty and started calling me names I didn't get upset.  Eventually he got the hint.  He yelled at me, 'You'll be begging me to take you back, you stupid bitch!'  I just smiled.  I knew I'd done the right thing.

I closed up the shop a bit early and went home.  My mum could sense something was different when I walked through the door.  I sat down at the kitchen table and told her that I'd dumped Adam.  She asked me how I was feeling and I said, 'GOOD!'  :D  She gave me a hug and made me a cup of tea.  We talked and talked about everything (but not the pregnancy scare!) and mum told me how proud she was of me.  She made my favourite cottage pie for tea.  It was awesome. 

I guess I've done a lot of growing up in the past couple of weeks.  I've realised a lot of things.  My relationship with Adam was going nowhere fast and I was happy it was over.  I also realised how much I want a family of my own one day, but it would have to be with the right man, not some loser like Adam.  I  hope I can be as good a mum as my mum is to me.  She RAWKS!

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